I walked into my hostel feeling the need for a long bath. It felt like I had to wash myself clean. It felt to me like everyone could smell what I had done all over me.
I had told myself that I wasn’t going to regret any decision I made and I was going to stick to that.
“Derin, Derin…” I heard a familiar voice call out to me at the verandah. It was Fola. I pretended like I didn’t hear her and walked straight to my room. I tried opening the door but it seemed to be locked. I knocked and knocked but there was no response.
“Derin.” Fola said as she walked up to me. “I’ve been calling you now. I wanted to tell you that your roommate left with the key of your room. She told me that she was going to the library and she had too many valuables to risk giving the key to anyone.”
I thought my head would explode at the information. I needed to get back into the room and talk to my roommate. She was the only one I could speak to about how I felt. She seemed very experienced. She had been the one who told me to “Go for it” last night. The library was just too far to go to at the moment.
“You can come and stay in my room and wait.” Fola offered.
“Thank you, I’ll be fine” I replied.
“Fine doing what? Waiting outside the door? Come let’s go to my room jor.” She said pulling me.
Although Fola and I were close friends, she was the last person I wanted to talk to. I was pretty sure she was going to tell me ‘I told you so’ and I really didn’t want that. I was pretty sure she knew what I had done since I had followed Marcus out last night and had returned this morning. I however had to follow her since it was the best option at that time.
“Are you hungry? I just cooked this morning.” Fola said as soon as we were in her room. Her roommate had travelled home a week ago. “You can lie on Karen’s bed if you feel the need to rest.” She said.
Her kindness almost made me weep. There was no judgement or accusation in her tone.
“I noticed you were not around last night so I finished up that project and submitted it this morning. The deadline is by 12pm, so I just had to submit it. I hope you don’t mind.” Fola said. I had totally forgotten about the project and luckily for me Fola was my project partner.
“Thank you” I said. It wasn’t until I sobbed that I realized that tears were running down my face.
“Derin, are you okay?” Fola asked looking concerned.
“I messed up Fola.” I said, no longer caring if she judged me. At that point, I felt like I would explode if I didn’t speak to someone.
“Ha! Derin, what happened?” Fola asked putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“I did it Derin… I did it with Marcus last night.” I said. I shut my eyes expecting a judgmental exclamation or a condescending remark. She however didn’t speak. I opened my eyes and saw a look of compassion on her face.
Marcus had been the guy I had a crush on since I came to school. He had finally noticed me a week ago in class and had captivated me with his attention. I however became wary when he suggested that we meet at a popular hotel in town later that week.
Fola had advised me against it, saying that going to a hotel would only mean that he wanted to have sex with me. “That is fornication Derin. It’s definitely not worth it.” She had said, when I asked what was wrong with it.
My roommate had however told me to go for it and that opportunities came only but once. “After all everyone else is doing it. It is high time you let go of the whole virginity thing. It doesn’t pay anyone these days. The most popular guy in school is interested in you…. You had better go for it.” She said.
I had thought to myself…. “I am long overdue for this. All my mates have experienced it. Fola is just jealous that she isn’t the one doing it with Marcus.”
Fola had been a typical ‘bad girl’ in her first year, going around with boys and doing every bad thing, she could. She had however totally changed during her second year. She had given her life to Christ and stopped every bad habit. It had been irritating to me that she was trying to stop me, even though she had already eaten the forbidden fruit. It seemed to me like everyone else was doing it and I thought it was high time I knew how it felt to have sex. ‘I am 21 already, I have been a virgin for too long… I don’t want to grow cobwebs down there, as everyone said’ I had thought to myself.
Marcus had come to pick me last night, which was a Friday night. I had gone with him with so much pride and confidence. It felt to me like every girl was envious of me as I walked out to meet with him. Now… it felt like I had just made the worst mistake of my life.
“Are you okay?” Derin asked after a few seconds of silence. My eyes widened at this question. I definitely wasn’t expecting it.
“I am trying so much not to regret it, but I can’t help it.” I responded honestly. “It was the worst decision of my life. It was quite painful since it was my first time and it lasted for just 5 minutes. I barely had time to feel any pleasure. I hated it. After we were done, I hated Marcus so much. It seemed like the feeling I had for him ended…. just like that.
In the end, I sinned against God and still didn’t get any earthly pleasure. I feel so stupid.” I said weeping uncontrollably. “How can I ever return to God after sinning so greatly? I have committed the worst sin on….”
“Chill Derin.”Fola said cutting me short. “Firstly, you must know that no sin is greater than the other. You definitely have not committed the worst sin. If it were so, where will you now categorize killing?” Fola asked.
“The worst of the worst.” I responded and smiled at the thought.
Derin smiled and continued. “I believe that the way God sees the world, he categorized a person who steals a pen and another who kills as sinners, it’s all sin, whether it seems big or small.”
“Hmmm… but then you warned me against it and I didn’t listen. I doubt that God will be willing to forgive a person like me.” I said, and explained how I really felt. “I have never felt so dirty. I even had to pretend like I was enjoying it so that I won’t seem uncool.” I said remembering how disgusted I had felt the previous night.
“Look, the first thing you need to do is ask God to forgive you and know that he has forgiven you even before you fell into sin.” Fola said.
“So I have to go and give my life to him again?” I asked.
“Not necessarily.” Fola said smiling. “When you gave your life to him, he never returned it back to you. You are just a child that disobeyed her father. You didn’t stop being his child when you sinned. All you need to do is apologize and make things right with Him, and then you are back on track.” Fola said.
“That seems too simple. I feel like I deserve to be heavily punished for what I did.” I said.
“Well, that is what the message of grace is about. Jesus already paid the price. “Fola said with so much confidence. I nodded remembering the message of grace.
“Secondly you need to forgive yourself. Self-condemnation is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. It is what leads to depression and demonic oppression. Forgive yourself Derin. That way you can forgive others and begin to live better.”
It felt like those words gave me a lot of peace. We prayed together and I felt way better. I was so glad I didn’t talk to my roommate first. She probably would have made me do something worse.
Part 2 coming up.

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