Friday, 12th February 2016

Dear diary,

Today was quite a day….. I have no particular word to describe it. After having my quiet time with God, I picked up my phone to check my schedule. I saw a text from ken. He had sent it very late at last night.

As I opened it and read it, it made my heart ‘skip several beats.’

In the text he wrote….. and I quote;

“Hi Mo, good morning. I celebrate you. Trust you had a wonderful night rest (I’m sure you are already asleep at this time). I want to let you know that I really had a wonderful time on Wednesday. In fact, I can say it was the best I have had in ages. It wasn’t because of what we spoke about or did or the food or the restaurant, it was just being with you that made it wonderful. I meant it when I said I really like you. I am sorry I was mincing my words. The truth is that it’s more than that. I have deep feelings for you. I know that it might be too early to let you know this, and I am not sure if you share these feelings…… I will like to take the risk and let you know how I feel.”

It was after I finished reading the message I realized that I had been holding my breath. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. It felt like I was going to explode as emotions flooded my heart. It felt like the dam that had been holding my feelings collapsed like the wall of Jericho.  I read the text about five time to be sure I wasn’t imagining things. The burst of emotions almost clouded my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about the message and the sender, then the thought of Ade came to my head. Seeing him had made me remember old times and the emotions that arose with it was quite heavy.

I got to work late, I wasn’t focused at all. At a point my colleagues kept asking me if I was ok. I was too immersed in my own thoughts. I didn’t even know if I was supposed to respond to the text or call or acknowledge that I had seen it.

Whilst I was contemplating what to do, I got a call. I was excited as I thought it was from Ken. It was however from Ade, he reminded me of our date tomorrow. To be honest I actually look forward to it. I really want to see him and know what he has been up to and gauge my feelings for him.  We agreed on 3pm and ended the call. Immediately after I cut off the call with Ade, I got a call from my friend Joyce. She’s my closest friend and a fellow usher in COZA. She called to remind me of the meeting for that was going to take place by 3 tomorrow for all ushers. I totally forgot about it. She called me because she knew I would forget. I always do….

I used the opportunity to tell her about Ken’s message. She knew all about Ken and knew that I had feelings for him…. even though I had denied it time and again. She was excited about the text, but her excitement was short lived as I told her about Ade. She also knew him. We had spoken about our past relationships on one of our regular sleep overs (We usually sleep over at each other’s house at least once a month.) She was silent for a while. I knew she was thinking of the situation. She advised that I first ask God for wisdom on how to go about it. She also advised that I go for the date tomorrow and see how I feel about Ade. She reminded me that it was just a few weeks ago I was feeling lonely and praying about marriage and now God has brought forth choices for me.

I called up Ade to tell him about the meeting clashing with the time of the date. He made me promise to call him after the meeting so that we can go for the date. I agreed to go for the date after the meeting. I wasn’t sure what time it would end, but I hoped it wouldn’t be too late.

The rest of the day was just boring. I didn’t get any call or text from Ken. I decided to pray about it and seek God’s counsel. During my night devotion, that was my major focus. I prayed about it till I felt peace on my inside. I felt like I knew what to do. I was just going to let things flow without stress. The scripture I read said that I have ceased from my labour and entered the rest of God. The way I interpreted it was that I wouldn’t stress myself over anything, but I will just go with whatever God has planned. I didn’t bother calling or texting Ken. If He is the one, God will make it perfect.

Saturday 13th February 2016

Today I woke up with a song in my heart. It was a song of gratitude to my God who can do what no man can do. Saturday was full of the chores and errands I couldn’t do throughout the week. With the help of my sister, we cleaned up and cooked before noon. I got to church for the meeting by 2:45pm. The meeting however did not begin till 4:00pm because majority of the ushers came late. We had to do some general arrangement of the church, so we stayed till it was almost 6pm.

I called up Ade to reschedule the date, but he reminded me that I promised today. In the end we met at a public garden that he chose. We stayed under an open shed that had a restaurant attached to it. I wasn’t too comfortable with the location, but the sight of Ade in a fitted polo shirt made it seem worth it. He just looked too good. We spoke for a while and the old memories were remembered and some unwanted feelings were ignited. He had gotten a job in a telecommunications company and was making a good salary.

He kept on looking into my eyes. Then he told me that he never stopped loving me and many other things that were sweet to hear. We stayed there till it was 10pm. I began to feel uncomfortable from 8pm. I knew the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me to leave, but I was lost in the moment as I heard sweet words from my handsome ex-boyfriend. By 10pm I had to leave because of I have to be in church early tomorrow. Ade tried to convince me to stay a while longer, but I stood my ground that I had to leave. The garden area was quite dark by the time we were leaving. We seemed to be the only ones leaving.

Ade used that opportunity to hold my hand. I let him because I was enjoying the moment. Before I knew it, he pulled me towards him and held my waist. I could hear something shouting within me that it wasn’t right, but at that moment it felt just right. Ade looked down into my eyes and I felt my heart beating faster. I knew what the next thing was. My spirit was screaming for me to leave but my body didn’t want to. I just stood there in his warm embrace lost in his dark eyes.

Suddenly, he said something… and I quote… “Just like old times”

All the romantic walls came crashing down as I ‘came to my senses’ I quickly turned my face to avoid his lips that had almost touched mine. He seemed surprised. I quickly wriggled out of his embrace and walked hurriedly to my car claiming that I needed to prepare for tomorrow. I didn’t wait to hear his response before zooming off.  That statement made me realize that I was a new person. He was trying to bring old memories and actions to a new person. I dropped the old me when I made the decision to accept Christ. I can’t be doing things the old me would do.

As I drove home I asked God to forgive me for ignoring His Spirit and allowing my flesh to take over. I knew that if I hadn’t stopped him…. he would have kissed me… then his hands would have started roaming…. Just like ‘old times. I feel bad that I almost let him……

Good night Diary.


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